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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by corafree on January 26, 2005, at 15:59:44
I'm way not doin' good. Thoughts of my father are coming into my mind w/o warning, as he was alive this day last year. He passed away (and I sort of did too) Feb. 2 last year. I'm a mess. Don't want to go anywhere - but therapy today. My dad was a wonderful, warm, free spirit; more supportive of my ups and DOWNS than any others in my family. So hard to bear. My father's daughter, cf
Posted by gardenergirl on January 26, 2005, at 16:22:29
In reply to Six days till lst yr anniversary of Dad's passing, posted by corafree on January 26, 2005, at 15:59:44
CF,
Anniversaries can be hard. I'm so glad you have your T to help you deal with this. Please take extra gentle care of yourself at this time. And try to talk to people who knew him. Share your memories and your feelings, if it feels safe to you. Share them here if this feels safer.(((((cf)))))
gg
Posted by corafree on January 26, 2005, at 22:28:44
In reply to Re: Six days till lst yr anniversary of Dad's passing » corafree, posted by gardenergirl on January 26, 2005, at 16:22:29
I was very unhappy w/ my fam' that all lived near him. Even mother, they foreshadowed his declining health w/ talk of a new business they are now all involved in full force. It's very difficult to love them as I did before this happened. Dad had told me things he had wanted; they ignored me. Dad was worthy of at least passing in a beautiful place (home would have been wonderful), but he was stuck in half a regular hospital room, cold, cement, all around, in the cold winter midwest. I and they went around over a lot of issues. Now I am trying to let go of my dissatisfaction w/ their actions, as I need them for support. No one else is alone or has any emotional/mental probs'. Dad validated me; no one else. My middle child, daughter, has talken his place and comforts me when need support. He agreed as I told him, 'if I'm not there, pls imagine me there beside you, holding your hand.' I went to hospital where I found him in this ugly room - I think my hair fell all around us as I whispered I'm so sorry Dad, and he said I love you so very much, and then I said it. Then, I left. But, I knew he would remember what I said. He grounded me, always. I will be eternally greatful for his time in my life. He was remarkable, giving, sense of humor,...never scared by my illness, as the rest did not face it. I emailed earlier to all my fam' of origin re: my uprooting emotional feelings now; got one response ... have four siblings and four steps. Mother sent me an email and said not to focus upon past things; would rob me of today. I don't focus - he just comes into my mind every day. There is something strange about time ... the amount of time you can go keeping something down, before it becomes to strong and you can not hold it down then. It's been difficult for me, well because he always validated me...no matter what. I think he and my children were the most precious gifts I've ever rec'd in this life of mine. I STILL LOVE HIM LIKE NO ONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for reading this, letting me bring it out, like journaling and knowing your journal is supporting you. His name was George .. GG, cf
Posted by gardenergirl on January 26, 2005, at 23:36:17
In reply to Re: Six days till lst yr anniversary of Dad's passing » gardenergirl, posted by corafree on January 26, 2005, at 22:28:44
Thanks for sharing something about your father. Gearge sounds like he was a wonderful man. I'm glad you had him for a dad.
(((cf)))
gg
Posted by corafree on January 27, 2005, at 0:26:16
In reply to Re: Six days till lst yr anniversary of Dad's passing » corafree, posted by gardenergirl on January 26, 2005, at 23:36:17
Tks for the hug; needed that. Ya' know you've been here for me since joined post after losing him. So glad for this web site and you. (((GG)))
Posted by saw on January 27, 2005, at 1:10:19
In reply to Re: Six days till lst yr anniversary of Dad's passing » gardenergirl, posted by corafree on January 27, 2005, at 0:26:16
Cora
You reached out to me and supported me when my Dad died in November last year and you reached out to me so selflessly when my experience was bringing up painful raw memories for you. I will always remember your kindness, friendship and support and only hope that I can offer the same to you now. You are very special and I am so sorry that you are going through the pain of grieving for your Dad.
(((George)))
(((Corafree)))
Sabrina
Posted by corafree on January 27, 2005, at 21:40:40
In reply to Re: Six days till lst yr anniversary of Dad's passing » corafree, posted by saw on January 27, 2005, at 1:10:19
Thank you Sabrina. So did you just go through the first anniversary in Nov and did you Dad pass in November '04? I'm confused, among other raw emotions. I did get some differences settled with fam' of origin. It's hard to see other's situations when the don't speak of them, and that is kind of the way my fam' or origin is. I still don't feel like I can go back to IA. He was a true gift to me, always there along the bumpy road of this 'black sheep's" life. How are you doing? Are you feeling well? Good to hear from you, cf
Posted by saw on January 28, 2005, at 4:29:28
In reply to Re: Six days till lst yr anniversary of Dad's passing » saw, posted by corafree on January 27, 2005, at 21:40:40
Hi Cora
No, it was last year that he passed on. It was sudden and I was with him. Anyway, along with all the other support I received you were one of the first to reach out to me and obviously because of what you are still going through since your Dad passed.
I am doing well and feeling ok. Other than your grief at the moment,I hope the same for you.
My thoughts are with
Sabrina
Posted by corafree on January 30, 2005, at 14:24:12
In reply to Re: Six days till lst yr anniversary of Dad's passing » saw, posted by corafree on January 27, 2005, at 21:40:40
I have tried to commit suicide more than a few times since early 20s, but don't think I've ever gone this long, a year, w/o attempting or at least seeking hospitalization.
Hey, I wonder if I really am strong? People say it, but I think they're just 'ya know' saying it!
I wonder if I am at least strong enough to let someone else lead the way; the Lord and his son, Jesus Christ.
He knew how I screamed and fought like a child w/ arms outstretched, crying 'daddy, daddy, daddy, please don't go, please don't leave me alone here!
Right this moment, I realize he must be quite proud of me for making it this far, and simply sitting her and sharing goodness about life, and for living as best I could though this, prob' most heavy load of my life, I pray, this test of faith.
I often feel 'failed him', but rather, I'll use the skill of changing direction, and give myself a pat on the back for doing/living the best I could w/o him for a whole year.
Every morning my first thought is him; every eve wrapped in the blanket/throw he covered himself w/ on the easy chair back in our home. I stand up, wrap it around me, then sort of fall into bed with my arms free for the night's last cig and for my meds.
'Somewhere out there', that song, is my daughter, such an empathetic, but yet not allowing her to jeodpardizing herself, trying to fill the void in me. And, my brother finally spoke to me. I asked him if 'he had my back' and he was like, oh year, always! My one daughter, my youngest sister, and the Lord have held me up, as I've prayed every night for myself and for them.
And then, I find this site. It helped me get through this year. All of you letting me join in, even when I must have sounded like a broken record or just a bystander, was also a very useful tool for me.
My father, walking w/ him, made me feel like I was center stage. Not a man of possessions. He was a dreamer, a person of connection, heart connections w/ anyone that came his way, open and accepting. He never judged me. At my worst, he was at his best. He had long beautiful gray hair; a kindredship w/ American Indian. His work involved programs, studies, and ways of betterment to the lives of Native Americans. That is just one thing about him that made me proud to be his daughter. There were every day things, laughter, laughter at himself. A man who wasn't afraid to be a bit 'out there.' I am nearly 100% sure that he and I were soulmates, or knew each other in another life.
Knowing that things would be difficult in the hospital, that final day, and hwo hard it would be for him and I to speak, to struggle for one last breath, I spoke w/ him about 'us' before that day/time.
I don't know about you all, but I'm always hard on myself, worst critic type; so this post is gonna' be diff'. Oh, I'm still crying and aching deeply for his presence, but, I feel God, his son Jesus, and my father, George, would be very proud of me. I didn't start drinking or doing drugs. I didn't try leave the earth to 'go be with Dad.' I kept on keepin' on, one long day at a time.
That is what I have learned in this first year w/o him. I am strong, maybe not as strong as some, but strong enough for my beloved father and the lord and his son to be okay with me. I try ask for some help and try thank him if things are going well.
Being in DBT during this time, learning to handle stress through use of skills, deserves some credit too. Those skills have come in very handy. Proper eating, caring for self, getting to appts, taking care of my own responsibilities, taking a vacation from everything (even if just in your head), feeling the 'moment', not being too harsh on myself, redirecting my thoughts, and acceptance of course, are some of the skills.
This site, you all, deserve a lot of credit also for the kindness shown me, even when I'm making no sense or 'not meaning to, but wasting you time.
I don't go to a bldg each Sunday to gather w/ other people; but maybe some day I'll do that? No more Latin speaking tho' ... I need good old-fashioned 'talking about living skills spoken by a kind person.'
I'm doing fairly good; am sure Dad wants me to remain here and care for his grandchildren, and their children.
OK ... THIS IS BAD, THIS IS MY BIG QUESTION THAT SOMETIMES I ANSWER AND OTHER TIMES I JUST GET ANGRY AT THE THOUGHT OF, ...
WHERE IS HE .. WHERE'S MY DAD?
I didn't know what to tell my little sister, when she cried me one day on her way to work, because I'm skeptical. Biggest prob' - yep, skepticism.
Can anyone tell me something OTHER THAN 'in you' 'in all the people that love you' 'in a place where there is no fear and no pain' 'with God (because I'll say where's God?), 'with Jesus' (because I'll say where's Jesus? Somebody pls try answer and don't be afraid of hurting my feelings - I'll be prepared.
Radical acceptance ... whoa nellie, slow down, can't do it, can't do it until I know where he is. WHERE IS HE??????????????
Is he in one person, in my newest grandchild, in heaven, with Jesus?
ONE MORE TIME, WHERE IS HE???
P.S. Really, you can hurt my feelings if need be, because I can't get by this, no matter how hard I try.
How do people just 'accept' and 'believe' w/o question? That's my fleeting thought each day. Maybe it cannot be done? How does one do that?
When I tell God, Jesus, Dad, I believe; they know as well as I that I'm not quite there. There is one thing; the more I say it to myself or to my one daughter or to my one sister, I feel a bit more as I am believing it, just a bit, then afterwards feel like maybe I've lied to myself or to another.
Anything to offer which may put me on the path to faith???? He was alive this time last year. Ok crying time again. well wishes to all, cf
I hope you're all having a good weekend, so good that you feel you might even have time to give me a little of your time, a little of your support!!! I feel so me-me-me selfish!!! I'm sorry. cf
Posted by saw on January 31, 2005, at 1:04:21
In reply to Re: 3 days - lst yr anniversary of Dad's passing, posted by corafree on January 30, 2005, at 14:24:12
Cora, I read your post slowly and it is so obvious that you are in a great deal of pain and that you are grieving so deeply for your Dad.
Have you gone to therapy to help you deal with your loss? If not, will you consider it?
<<How do people just 'accept' and 'believe' w/o question? That's my fleeting thought each day. Maybe it cannot be done? How does one do that?>>
I don't believe that we can just accept and believe without question. We can eventually come to accept, even believe, but without question? There are always questions. Just our fallible human nature I guess.
I think that it can be done, but that it takes time and patience and sometimes a little bit of external help.
You are not being selfish. Not at all. I am so sorry for your grief and wish there was somthing I could say to ease some of the hurt and loss you are feeling.
Sabrina
Posted by broken on January 31, 2005, at 15:35:04
In reply to Re: 3 days - lst yr anniversary of Dad's passing, posted by corafree on January 30, 2005, at 14:24:12
I posted this in social in response to your post there, and saw the same here... It isn't much help I know, but I thought I would repost..
Cora,
I so wish I coud give you an answer to your question.. I will tell you that you're 3 days away, I am 23 days away. For me it has not been one year, it has been 21 years. Do you think that is a long time? Do you think the pain is worse at the 1 year mark than it is the 21 year mark? Somehow I doubt it. I wish it were, if nothing else than to give you something to look forward to. I was 15 when I lost him, he died in our home. I put my arms around him in the hospital ER and similar to you, I begged him to get up, he didn't.
As a child then, I looked for all the answers, and unfortunately, am still trying to settle this in my own mind as you are, even after all these years. Where is my father now? Sometimes I look into the mirror, and I see him. Sometimes I look into my son's eyes, and I see him there. Sometimes, in my most difficult times, I feel him close by.
In short, I don't know the answer to your question. I don't think there is an answer without faith. For me, without faith, there is nothing but memories, but that is only me, and not meant to be a rule for others.
Congratulations on your first year. I chose to take hold of my pain like a child to a teddybear. It was one way to continue to hold on to him, without pain, what am I? Without pain for me, there is only the numbness and emptiness. I hope it goes differently for you..Godspeed
Broken
Posted by not2late4u on February 1, 2005, at 20:30:22
In reply to 3 days till anniversary of Dad's death, posted by corafree on January 30, 2005, at 14:34:35
cf I replied today under the faith thread :)
Posted by Phillipa on February 1, 2005, at 20:30:22
In reply to Re: 3 days till anniversary of Dad's death » corafree, posted by not2late4u on January 30, 2005, at 14:44:24
That was beautiful, and well thought out. Your emotions show through. I ask the same questions all the time. Every night when I go to sleep I ask Jesus to come to me in the night with the answer to my problems. Years ago when my 3rd child was hospitalized and would not eat he appeared to me in my room. I'm not sure if I was asleep or not but his image was there telling me "Be Strong". Two nights it happened and after the second night I went to the hospital with the attitude "if she wants to live she will", and that day she began to eat. I let go, and let God. I don't seem to be able to do that today and I pray for him to come back again so I can again "Let Go". It is a question I can't answer either. Some people have a built-in belief and I wish I was one of them. Seek, and the Seeker will find. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by Angel Girl on February 2, 2005, at 0:34:10
In reply to 3 days till 1st anniversary of Dad's death, posted by corafree on January 30, 2005, at 14:36:03
Oh corafree, I'm sorry that you're going through such pain. You are stronger than you think and have such wonderful memories of him. I'm glad that you found your way here, I don't think it is by chance or a coincidence. God lead you here sweetie. Anniversaries are hard, I go through that too, my Dad's birthday, his death.
I think you know where your father is already, he's in your heart, right where he belongs. He'll always be there. Keep cherishing your memories of him sweetie. Your heavenly father is there too, he'll lift you up. He knows your pain. He loves you cora, he will never left you go. Hold onto that. Take comfort in that. Feel Jesus' presence in your soul.
You're gonna make it. You are strong.
You are so special and you remember that!!!
Luv ya,
Angel Girl{{{{{{{{{{{{corafree}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Posted by gardenergirl on February 2, 2005, at 0:34:11
In reply to Re: 3 days till 1st anniversary of Dad's death » corafree, posted by Angel Girl on January 30, 2005, at 16:02:55
I wish I knew the answer to your questions. It's such an individual thing, faith. Is there a clergy person you trust to discuss this with?
(((((((corafree))))))
gg
Posted by Broken on February 2, 2005, at 0:34:11
In reply to 3 days till 1st anniversary of Dad's death, posted by corafree on January 30, 2005, at 14:36:03
Cora,
I so wish I coud give you an answer to your question.. I will tell you that you're 3 days away, I am 23 days away. For me it has not been one year, it has been 21 years. Do you think that is a long time? Do you think the pain is worse at the 1 year mark than it is the 21 year mark? Somehow I doubt it. I wish it were, if nothing else than to give you something to look forward to. I was 15 when I lost him, he died in our home. I put my arms around him in the hospital ER and similar to you, I begged him to get up, he didn't As a child then, I looked for all the answers, and unfortunately, am still trying to settle this in my own mind as you are, even after all these years. Where is my father now? Sometimes I look into the mirror, and I see him. Sometimes I look into my son's eyes, and I see him there. Sometimes, in my most difficult times, I feel him close by.
In short, I don't know the answer to your question. I don't think there is an answer without faith. For me, without faith, there is nothing but memories, but that is only me, and not meant to be a rule for others.
Congratulations on your first year. I chose to take hold of my pain like a child to a teddybear. It was one way to continue to hold on to him, without pain, what am I? Without pain for me, there is only the numbness and emptiness. I hope it goes differently for you..Godspeed
Broken
Posted by Dinah on February 2, 2005, at 0:34:12
In reply to 3 days till 1st anniversary of Dad's death, posted by corafree on January 30, 2005, at 14:36:03
It's been only a month and a half for me. My father wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I was his little girl and he loved me. I think I'm more broadly distressed than grieving. Grieving is probably a bit down the road yet for me.
I can only tell you what I believe. It's no certain answer. I figure everyone who has ever lived has died. And I look around me and see how perfectly wondrous God or nature is. How childbirth might hurt, but it's really amazing how well it works, given the challenge involved. How infinitely perfect a bandage a scab is. The whole carbon dioxide/oxygen cycle. The perfect orbit of the Earth to the sun to sustain life. Everything is so wonderfully balanced. And I place my trust that whoever or whatever created this truly amazing world won't make something that happens to all of us awful.
I can't begin to imagine where your Dad or my Daddy is. But I have infinite faith that wherever it is, it's just the right solution to what happens after death. We just can't see it yet because we're not at the right vantage point to see it. We haven't turned that corner or gotten high enough. But when we see it, we'll say to ourselves ahhhhhh, of course...
Yes, tragedies happen. Tsunamis, plagues. But the things that happen to *all* of us seem to be just right. That's where my faith comes from. From looking at a scab.
Posted by corafree on February 6, 2005, at 23:07:16
In reply to Re: 3 days - lst yr anniversary of Dad's passing, posted by corafree on January 30, 2005, at 14:24:12
My mother came to town in the midst of the onset of that feared day. I got confused. Dare say I mourn him more than she. I was 'wacked' that day and the following because of her presence (no she didn't stay w/ me.) Let me just say, she doesn't 'see' me. She cannot handle bad things.
My father validated my mental illness whereas my mother does not. Her presence in my space threw me into pretense; I lost touch w/ me, so much so that I didn't even turn on my computer. I apologize.
Anyway, that's why I'm just now responding. Your personal sharing has brought a happy tear to my eye.
Like the scab, there is something here we don't know about, not beyond imaging.
Every one of your posts, stacked upon one another, I use, will use, to build upon my FAITH.
I'm open to GOOD, from you, from above or beside, from within, from w/o our sight; what just happened here for me is a miracle in a really bad day I've had. I will rest calming this eve. I believe my Dad heard you all and thanks you as I.
The day was like reliving the day last year ... like losing him all over again; yep, thinks that what I was feeling; pretty sure, even, w/ mother here.
Do I think it will get better? Some concerned person said, you'll never get over the loss, but will get used to the loss. Maybe that works as our lives change and we change, maybe reaching out to others, to one, or into ourselves. W/ that, then yes, I'm hopeful it will lessen with time. That gives me HOPE for a better onset next year.
I feel is the unobjectivity to have FAITH in what we cannot prove or disprove, a very freeing feeling. I want to let go, stop the rationalizing and dissecting. What would it change anyway .. could be a bad change. I need to really tone down 'searching'; but sharing the wonder is o.k. I think; maybe that's enough in the long run.
Maybe some folks 'see' more ... I simply see you guys, and together you were like my father; when I reached for him not to go; you came. Together we thank you.
Faith growing ... I'll hang on ... I will carry on w/ my load somewhat lighter this evening ... having felt the inspiration and the shared feelings in your post. Ty for lending your faith to me, your insights, your wonders, and may they return to you in blessings to you, your loved ones here and 'there.' cf
Posted by gardenergirl on February 9, 2005, at 12:52:33
In reply to Re: 3 days - lst yr anniversary of Dad's passing, posted by corafree on February 6, 2005, at 23:07:16
Posted by Jeanne Befante on July 6, 2005, at 3:30:27
In reply to Six days till lst yr anniversary of Dad's passing, posted by corafree on January 26, 2005, at 15:59:44
Thank you so much for sharing. I lost my dad May 9th of 04 and I had the hardest time this year. I feel like I felt more grief this year than I did when he actually passed. I closed up inside and fell into a depression, I feel I still haven't snapped out of it...ya know. God I miss terribly. I can't explain this gnawing in my soul...Angry and sad and guilt all the same time. My brother and I cared for him in his last days and when he passed I was so exhausted and burnt out that I was kind of relieved, I believe that's why I didnt grieve fully although I cried at every minute when he passed but I didn't fully grasped the extent of his death. Some how a part of thought he was coming back...as weird as that may sound. I feel angry that I'm only 37, why did I have to loose my precious daddy so young...I thought I would be in my late forties or early fifties before I would loose him, like he was when he lost my gram. Life can be so unfair...But I know that he's not suffering anymore. He had a terrible lung disease (pulmonary fibrosis) and had the hardest time breathing. But he was strong to deal what he had to go through...I love you so much daddy.
Thank you so much for this site. I'm totally gratefull. I thought I was loosing my mind and felt so alone but this site has given me so much comfort...Thank you. Now I know God is watching over me, so he's letting me know that he's caring for my soul.
Thank you and may God love guide and comfort to all...Jeanne Benfante
Posted by corafree on November 5, 2005, at 9:05:50
In reply to Re: Six days till lst yr anniversary of Dad's passing, posted by Jeanne Befante on July 6, 2005, at 3:30:27
I loved my Dad so much too. It will be two years this coming February 2.
Why is the date so important? Are we afraid we will forget it? It's sort of like a wedding date.
I miss a male buddy.
He was the best .. nonjudgmental, happy @ the simple sound of my voice. His eyes would light up when he saw me. You feel your love returned.
For all, I pray through our grief.
When Dad passed, and still, I've grieved w/ one sister for short long distance times by phone, you all, and God. You all and God have helped me get this far.
How do you ask a 21-y/o son to spontaneously wrap his arms around you and let you pour out your heart? Or maybe a somewhat significant other? Why don't men get it? If you are a lesbian, do females get it?
And now there's some of that 'isn't it time to stop crying' coming at me. I don't like that.
blessings, wishes, hope .. cf
This is the end of the thread.
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